im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Randomize
