I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
