I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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