It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize