yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
