my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
