between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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