I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
