i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
