On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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