On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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