I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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