I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
