the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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