Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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