haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
