I didn't shave. On purpose
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
