Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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