I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
