I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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