the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
