There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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