im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
