Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
