she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she was so not down for the gang bang
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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