o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
farters have to be the big spoon...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
