my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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