so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
