she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
