Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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