rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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