before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
