Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
