Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
