i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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