I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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