At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
