Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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