I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
FUCK WHALES
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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