I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
