I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
