The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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