I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
