Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
