He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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