Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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