My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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