do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
