Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
