Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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