someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
