So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
