So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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