What a fucking waste of an outfit
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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