Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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