cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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