My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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