In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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