I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize