Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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