okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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