D3 body, D1 cock
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
