he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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