I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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