We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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